Hope you like the new place you went to. Hope father and brother greeted you there and made you comfortable. We all miss you dearly but most of all I do. I miss you so much that I see you every night in my dreams. A few days back I saw you with father and you two seemed really happy and that made me happy too. I can’t stay in your room, they say it’s my room now but I don’t feel like that. Your presence is in every corner of that room. Your shawl still smells like you. I still wake up around 2:00 am and look in the corner of the room where you used to offer your midnight prayers. I miss that early cup of tea that you used to make for me. None of the family members wakes up that early now. Without your reprimand, everything in this house is a mess.
I am worried sick about you and I know you would be too. Your day started by calling me and asking me what I was about, that was really annoying seriously you had no concern for my sleep. I miss your phone calls so much now. I won’t ever complain about the phone calls if I am given another chance I miss them dearly but I guess it’s too late for that.
Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing. Honestly, I don’t know. How I should be doing after taking you into grave myself? I buried you with the same hand I used to hold your face with. I miss pulling your cheeks.
I am sorry your last days were so full of pain. I didn’t do anything cause I was frozen by panic. I knew what was coming for us both and I am sorry I wasn’t there, I was incapacitated by my own mental illness. When you held my hand and said that pain was too much for you to bear, believe me I wanted to hit myself so hard for being a medical professional but not being able to help. That last day I spent with you will haunt me throughout my life. Please don’t hate me, you relied on me so much, you believed I could help you with everything but you also know that we have no say in the matters of death. If it was in my capacity I would have held the angel of death by his collar and fought with him until he was done with me before he reached for you.
You did express your love for me before you left this world but I didn’t get that chance. If you remember we didn’t start off really well when I grew up. We had a difference of opinions and beliefs. You often found me in total opposition of the values you held closely to your heart. But believe me, my intentions were never wrong. I always wanted to protect you from your anger. I always thought the best for you. Like you, I also tend to be not really expressive. But I have loved you in all my capacity to love anyone and I have cared for you far beyond I find myself capable of caring.
Your sisters miss you dearly now. I know you weren’t really a fan of them in last days of your life but the way they hug me and tears start rolling out of their eyes, I can see the hurt and the pain.
You must be thinking about how I am doing. Well, I am doing as good as I can do without you. You were a defensive shield. I never felt so insecure in my entire life even when father was gone. I always knew I had left one person I could turn to when life got a bit out of hand. I feel so exposed right now, so vulnerable. I feel like the world will devour me any second and I won’t be able to do anything. Now I have actually realized what being an orphan feels like. Just your presence gave me enough strength that I could make through any kind of situation.
But you need not worry about me. You have worried enough already in this world. I have some good friends around and thanks to you I can always read books. Remember we used to have book reading competitions when I was a kid and father used to be out most of the times. I miss those times, just three of us and no one else. We were so happy back then. I wish we could reverse time. And I wish God had allowed us to write actual letters, at least once a year. That would have been so reassuring.
Now I would like to say that I need your prayers more than ever, I need your presence in my life. I would now act as you always told me, I will do something for myself, for my mental health and for my spiritual health. If there is an afterlife may that be filled with so much joy that you forget all the pain you went through. You’ve been really brave through your life and through your last time. The way you fought cancer for the last 4 years without letting your smile fade will always be a source of amazement for me. Please do get back to me through dreams, I guess that’s the only source of communication we are left with.
May we meet again in the afterlife. Till then I will live by your memories.
Your Son who misses you a lot...
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Muslim World Today.